This is likely not the plan you mapped out when you formed a family. When navigating the uncharted waters of separation or divorce, many parents feel like they are in a tiny boat floating in a sea of uncertainty. Your ultimate goal is to get your children safely to shore without capsizing the boat or straying too far off course. Here are some suggestions to steady the course.
First off, you're not alone. About 40% of first marriages end in divorce, and nearly one-third of children will go through parental divorce before reaching adulthood. Here are some well-established guideposts that can help support you on your journey:
- Provide your child with basic information and reassurance. Children often believe they are responsible for their parents’ arguments, separation, or divorce. I once worked with a child who thought her parents were getting divorced because she asked for school supplies, and they couldn’t afford them. She overheard them arguing about money and made sense of it in her own way. Children may also believe they can magically bring their parents back together again.
They don’t need to know the details, but they do need to understand that the decision to separate or divorce was between you and your partner and has nothing to do with their thoughts, feelings, or behavior. They need to hear that you will love them forever and always, and so will their other parent. - Be patient. Making the decision to separate or divorce, even if it’s for the best, can stir up many confusing feelings. Parents and children might be experiencing waves of sadness, loss, anger, guilt, and apathy. All of these feelings and emotions are normal. What your children need most is for you to listen and accept whatever they are feeling as true for them. It’s not about cheering them up; it’s about sticking with them as they process the tough stuff. Adjusting takes time and patience.
- Don’t turn your child into an ally, a confidant, or a go-between. Take care of yourself first and find a trusted friend, family member, or counselor to help you process your own feelings about the situation. When you’re successfully adjusting to the changes, your children will cope better, too.
- Get some helpers on board. If possible, share your situation with your child’s teacher, pediatrician, or childcare provider. Children need all the support they can get, and they may hesitate to talk to you or your ex-partner for fear of creating more sadness, anger, or guilt. Consider counseling if your child needs an objective listener or feels more comfortable talking with someone who is not directly involved.
- Help your child understand how life will change. Children wonder, “Who will I live with? Where will I go to school? Who will take care of me?” Minimize the impact of changes by keeping routines and schedules as predictable as possible and putting the child’s needs above any disagreements with your ex-partner.
Rest assured that you won’t be drifting at sea forever. If you navigate the journey well, your vessel will land safely, and you and your children can begin to explore new territory.
To learn more, watch the CHKD video Take Ten! Children, Separation, and Divorce
