Calling "Jessica" to stop a toddler tantrum is a parenting hack that has recently gone viral. It spread almost as quickly as the recent elementary and middle school kids' phrase "six-seven." Both are catchy and have some foundation in child development. Elementary and middle schoolers want to fit in, and having a silly saying is like having an inside joke with friends. It was fun until adults started using it, and now it's so "not cool."
Now, what about toddler development? If you think about it, a three-year-old has only been on Earth for about 1,000 days. Their brains are like sponges, and their curiosity drives their behavior as they act in and on the environment around them. They are learning language, social skills, how to recognize bodily sensations, and how to get their needs met. They have many emotions and can become overwhelmed by the demands of daily life. That is why they have tantrums! It is a way to release the tension and stress they feel when parents and caregivers are asking for cooperation, saying "no" to keep them safe and healthy, rushing them to get dressed, or telling them it is time for bed. Their brain is under construction.
So, why does calling "Jessica" work? The brain seeks patterns. The name Jessica itself means nothing; it could be any name. The unexpected calling of the name interrupts the pattern and gives the brain a quick reset. It is a playful way to startle the brain into a much-needed pause before moving on. The toddler wonders, "What or who is Jessica?" The emotion of curiosity, which peaks in toddlerhood, can momentarily override the upset of the tantrum.
The intention behind the tantrum hack, is both playful and insightful. However, calling "Jessica" is not a long-term solution for teaching your toddler to regulate their emotions when overwhelmed. Jessica is not coming! Now what?
Here are some key takeaways:
- Toddlers can quickly become overwhelmed by daily demands. Tantrums allow them release tension and express their growing need for independence.
- Toddlers learn best when their playful spirit and curious minds are engaged.
- Doing something unexpected or redirecting a toddler during a tantrum can create a pause and allow a parent or caregiver to connect with the child's underlying need to be seen and soothed.
For the long-run:
- Recognize that tantrums are a normal and natural part of growing and developing in the early years.
- It's okay to set limits, even if a toddler gets upset. As caregivers, our job is to keep children safe and healthy. Setting limits helps children feel safe, and they start to test the limits less often when they can predict how you'll respond.
- Teach your child some calming strategies when they are not upset, so they can use those tools when they start to feel overwhelmed.
- Take deep breaths, in and out, with them. Extend your pointer finger and pretend to smell a flower or blow out a candle.
- Listen to music and dance or shake out the tension.
- Teach them words to describe the physical sensations they feel, like "You are mad, sad, excited, curious."
- Notice your child's ability to calm down after a tantrum stops and say, "Look at that. You were so upset, but you were able to calm down. Good for you."
- Don't shame, punish, or isolate a toddler. That adds to their stress and can cause escalation, rather than building the capacity for self-regulation.
- Meet your child's needs for sleep, healthy nutrition, play, and predictable routines.
Remember, your CHKD pediatrician is the best resource for questions about your child's growth and development. Interested in learning more? Watch this CHKD Take 10! Positive Parenting Tips video about toddler tantrums.
