I recently had a conversation with the parent of a college student. Her 19-year-old son was nearly finished with his freshman year and wanted to spend the summer in the town where he goes to school. He called home and described his plan: he would get a job and pay for off-campus housing. The mother was concerned and wanted him to come home and work locally for the summer to save money for the fall semester. She confided in me, “I thought it was supposed to get easier as they got older. This is just too much!” He gets mad if she says, “Come home.” She gets mad and worried if he doesn’t come home. Truthfully, she misses him. Now what?
This is a perfect example of developmental tensions. He wants independence; she wants to give him independence – in dosages he can responsibly handle. My heart went out to this mom. This is her oldest child, and she’s navigating the stage of parenting semi-grown children for the first time. Of course, this isn’t her first experience with the push-and-pull of parenting. Remember the younger years, when a toddler insists on doing everything themselves? Remember the pre-teen who wanted to be dropped off at a movie with a friend and didn’t want you to come into the theater? It took patience then. It takes patience now. Parenting is a practice in developing patience. It is also a practice in letting go. Parents can celebrate their child's new independence and still miss the little one they used to be. Pride and longing often coexist.
As children grow and guidance is needed, parents’ roles shift from teaching to coaching and then to consulting.
The key to resolving developmental tension, or any other kind, is to talk it through. A helpful phrase when talking to your semi-grown child is, “What’s the plan you are suggesting? Convince me that this is a good idea.” Ask a question, make a statement, and then listen. Not the kind of listening where you are formulating a response for when it is your turn to talk. Really listen.
Here are some points to consider when your child seeks more independence, and you need to exercise good judgment.
- Listen and then pause. You don’t have to make a final decision based on one conversation.
- Is there a concrete plan for safety and survival? Is it based on reason or just wishful thinking?
- How has the child handled responsibility in the past?
- Will this decision support their development as they progress toward adulthood?
- What do they need from you to make this work? Is it something you are able and willing to give?
I can’t predict what this mom and son will decide. They are both learning to navigate developmental tensions, changing needs, and expectations. She is shifting from teaching to coaching and realizing it’s okay to ask for the playbook and offer some rules for engagement. He understands that it is only through playing the game that some life lessons can be learned.
Eventually, a parent’s role is to cheer their child on as they play their own game of life. Interestingly enough, once they are on their own, they often call for a quick consult when navigating life’s journey. In hindsight, adult children may realize that maybe mom or dad did know a little something.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by parental stress, reach out to your pediatrician, join a CHKD webinar at CHKD.org/Classes, or find a family-friendly event to share with others at MyActiveChild.com.
