The days are long and the years are short. It’s a statement that speaks to many parenting experiences. I use it in my work with families and say it in my head when my young grandchildren are being fully expressive! Young children are like energy in motion. Whatever they are feeling can feel big to them. Sometimes it is, “The best day ever!” and sometimes it is, “The worst day ever!” Remember, this stressful moment won't last forever, but teaching a child to recognize and express their feelings in a healthy way is a lesson that will benefit them for years to come. Emotional literacy, which teaches children about feelings and how to express them, begins with us.
When a child is excited or proud about something, we might enthusiastically join in. I took my grandson to a novelty shop to buy shark teeth last week. He was so excited that he shouted, “What is this place? It is the coolest store ever!” However, if they are showing us through words or behavior that they are upset, or they seem out of control, it is much harder to empathize. Later, when my grandson was pretending to bite his sister with those shark teeth, the mood was different. I was ready to toss the teeth, before I remembered to practice what I teach. When we develop emotional literacy, we can respond to parenting challenges with composure. That feels better to us and teaches our children valuable skills.
To build emotional literacy in yourself, consider these ideas and practices:
The perfect child or family is a myth. It does not exist. Childhood is messy, and emotions are real.
Children are individuals. They benefit when we meet them where they are. What is their temperament, activity level, and response to sensory input? Think – how can I help, instead of, how can I get them to stop it!
Don’t compare what is happening to what you think should be happening. Instead, respond to the issue at hand and try to restore balance before moving on.
Practice the pause. Take a deep breath or, if you need to, walk away for a moment before responding to a child’s behavior.
Remember, their nervous system and ours are in constant communication. They borrow from our composure until they can build capacity to self-regulate.
We can build stamina and develop capacity to maintain composure when our nervous system begins to feel distress.
Start or end each day with a gratitude practice. Write down three specific things you are grateful for.
Spend time in nature.
Create healthy sleep and eating habits. Stay hydrated.
Move your body every day (exercise, dance, walk).
Practice self-awareness by checking in with your body. Where am I feeling tight or tense? Stretch or move to release it. Notice: Am I thirsty, hungry, tired? Respond to your body’s cues.
To develop emotional literacy in our children:
Give them words to describe how they feel in their bodies, like happy, mad, sad, scared, or worried.
Teach them to pause and breathe. Practice when they are not upset by pretending to smell a flower (breathe in through the nose while pretending the pointer finger is a flower) and blow out a candle (blow out through the mouth while pretending the pointer finger is a candle).
Acknowledge feelings and create limits for behavior that is unsafe to self or others. “It is okay to be mad; it is not okay to hit.”
Tell or show them what to do instead of a hurtful choice like hitting. “When you feel angry energy, you can do a wall push-up or stomp your feet. What would work for you?”
Read books or tell stories that include characters with big feelings.
Draw pictures or write a story together about something specific that is happening in your family, such as a move or a doctor visit.
Role-play with dolls or puppets to show how to handle upsetting emotions.
Notice when your child handles a challenge in a positive way and show appreciation. “I think you wanted to play with that toy, and I noticed you waited until your friend was done with it. You were practicing patience and kindness.”
One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is emotional literacy. Learning to recognize, acknowledge, and express emotions with positive intention and skillfulness will ultimately help them succeed in life.
