The first and last day of any school year can bring a mixture of feelings for children.
In June, I had a conversation with a mother. She said the last day of school had finally arrived. The excitement of the last few weeks of the school year was busy. There were concerts, field days, theme days, and testing, too. She and her son were ready for summer break.
He was a rising first grader. She mentioned that her son’s last day of kindergarten was an early dismissal day. She planned a celebration with pizza and ice cream, hung a sign that said "Congratulations,” and went to the bus stop to meet him.
She was surprised when he got off the bus crying. Big tears and a runny nose, kind of crying. He was wiping his face with his T-shirt and unsuccessfully trying to stop. His bus buddy said, “He’s been crying the whole time. He’s sad about his teacher.” He continued to cry as he walked the short distance home, up the porch stairs, and into the house. Sitting on the floor to take off his shoes, he began to sob. She offered a hug and sat with him. After a few minutes, he stopped crying long enough to tell her his woes. He was going to miss his teacher, his classroom, and his friends. He heard they don’t have show-and-tell in first grade, and he loved show-and-tell. His teacher was leaving the school, so he wouldn’t see her in the hallway in the fall. It was all too much!
It had not occurred to this mom that her son would feel grief about finishing kindergarten. Yet, he was letting her know that transitions can be hard. As children often do, he quickly regrouped once his mom hugged him and gave him a tissue, acknowledging his struggle. He was then ready for pizza, ice cream, and the pool. Later that afternoon, he said, “Even though I had fun at the pool, I need to tell Dad that I am sad about my teacher and friends.” That is a sign of healthy coping. He knows that happiness and sadness can both exist in the same space.
Here we are, nearing the end of summer break and getting ready for a new school year. The cycles of endings and beginnings continue on an annual basis. This mom, and all of us, might consider how the transition back to school brings both anticipation and excitement, and maybe some anxiety and sadness about the end of summer, too.
Children have a range of feelings when it comes to change, even when it’s a positive or expected change. Here are some ways to help them navigate both endings and new beginnings.
- It’s okay! Let them know that whatever they are feeling is okay to feel. Help them name the feeling if necessary. “It seems like you are sad, angry, worried, relieved.”
- Share gratitude. Every experience as a parent is an opportunity to strengthen the parent/child relationship. Say, “Thank you for telling me how you feel. I’m always here to listen.”
- Don’t rush the process. Expressing feelings in a safe way makes the feelings more manageable. For example, crying releases tension.
- Don’t minimize the feelings. It might seem minor to us, but it is important to them. They have much less experience in life. It is harder for them to regulate the intensity of emotions and understand that, “This too shall pass.”
- Respect individual differences. Don’t compare. A child’s response to change will depend on how they perceive the change; how they express themselves in general (communication style and activity level); and their developmental age.
- Respond with compassion. Let them know they can do hard things, and you are there to help.
- They are building resilience. When they successfully cope with a challenge, they are building their coping muscles. This will benefit them when inevitable life changes occur in the future.
For more tips on children and grief visit our Take 10! Positive Parenting Tips
Remember, your CHKD pediatrician is the best resource for questions about your child’s growth and development.
